I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
