he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
