ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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