tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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