areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
