Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
