Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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