Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
