On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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