cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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