R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Found your dick twin last night
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
