dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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