Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
