saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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