I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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