I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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