Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
