I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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