Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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