Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
