Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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