I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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