I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
