In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
