Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
