Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
