I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
