omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
