and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
