I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
