why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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