Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
