i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
