we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
