He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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