Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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