your parents love me but you hate me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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