some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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