Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
