i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
