We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Too much gin, very little bucket
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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