I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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