I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
false alarm, still single
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
