sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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