Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
