No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
