Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
