The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
