Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
