i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
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I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.