why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
