he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
