apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
