if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
