I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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