Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
