For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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