it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
