I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
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You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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